Broken

I am totally embarassed and disgusted at myself, i wouldn't be surprised if God decided to reject me now, i haven't be running to him in my troubles and i have not spent much time with him. For one night and day i went back to my old self. i'd rather not go into details of what i did and why, but last night and today i was (and prob still am) very selfish and immature. I do not deserve God's mercy, grace or forgiveness. i have been making a big deal out of nothing to the extent that im crying and sobbing and wailing and even at one point screaming. even on my brother's 21st b'day party which was last night (though i didn't scream then). i got a blood nose after crying for a good few minutes so at least i could use that for an alibi for staying in the bathroom so long. got blood on the floor and pants though, am thinking maybe getting punched in the face wasnt such a good idea after all...

i'm back at uni now and won't be able to blog much. im a mess at the mo. i can't remember the last time i felt so angry and upset and sad that i would scream and cry etc. and yell at God. i really need him right now, i've been such a bad child God help me